ok, so its been a month since i last posted. that doesn't mean i don't love my blog, does it? i've been crazy busy as well as just plain crazy this past month. so, for those of you who are interested, here is the update:
more health stuff. *sigh* i've had to relay the story to all my friends and family, so i'm getting tired of hearing myself tell it. the CT revealed a mass on my adrenal gland, going to see another specialist in july. that is their first available appointment. a freaking MONTH from now! there is more, but i really don't want to turn this into a list of my physical ailments so we will just leave it at that since it is the most pressing of the items.
still in therapy. i think i'm glossing things over with her just like i do in my personal life. i felt like the last session was just me telling her what i had done during the week and how busy wifey and i are. i'm not paying her to run down my task list. i feel more... out of control would be as close as i could get to describing it... when i'm not there. i make lists of things in my head that i want to mention. but when i sit down and she asks how i feel, i answer "fine" and smile pretty. i really need to cut that shit out.
i'm feeling the pull of my old religious practices again (santeria) and struggling with it. i stopped pracitcing for a reason, but it still speaks to me on a spiritual level. i'm torn. i miss it, but i don't miss the people that i associated with back then.
ummm.... i think thats it. not a lot, i realize. between the baby, the in laws, and my step daughter's work schedule wifey and i (more wifey than me) barely have time to sleep, much less blog.
peace, love, and hair grease.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
not really here, only a figment of your imagination
so, i've been MIA for a few days. i don't really have an explanation, other than the fact that true to my astrological sign, i can be a crab sometimes and retreat into my shell. i get quiet and don't feel like interacting much. i have mentioned previously the love affair i am having with facebook. but it goes even deeper than that. when don't feel like talking much, facebook lets me look out the peephole while staying in my little safe space. i can keep up with people without having to actually "say" anything. i can take a quiz and post my results or read my friends updates, etc. i have still been reading blogs almost every day, but when i'm in that mood, i rarely comment. so for those of you whose blogs i read, i still love ya! ;-)
here is whats been going on in my world:
i'm officially a step-grandma. the baby is almost two months old now. i thought i had already mentioned that on here, but i just looked at my posts and see that i didn't. i know mentioned it on facebook. (just more proof of how i'm cheating on my blog with facebook)
went to the rheumatologist, had my blood work interpreted, had some re-done. its lupus. it is, however, progressing slowly. for now, i need to get a ct of my lungs (he found an "abnormality" on my chest xray) and see him every 3 months. no meds or anything yet.
i went to see a therapist for the first time in my adult life this week. i liked her. of course it was the getting to know you session, so she didn't have any words of wisdom for me yet. i'm keeping an open mind, though.
i am back on the induction phase of atkins. so far i've lost 10 pounds, which is freaking awesome after being stalled for ever and a day. since i'm being much more strict, i'm cooking my own meals again, which has gotten me back into the kitchen. i LOVE that.
other than that, not much is going on. i'm still in love with my wife, i'm still employed. all good stuff.
in other news, while i was in my quiet space, there were a few days that i didn't log into my google reader. when i finally did, over 1000 updates. i think its time to re-evaluate my subscriptions.
i'm still sort of in the quiet-ish mood, but i'm around.
here is whats been going on in my world:
i'm officially a step-grandma. the baby is almost two months old now. i thought i had already mentioned that on here, but i just looked at my posts and see that i didn't. i know mentioned it on facebook. (just more proof of how i'm cheating on my blog with facebook)
went to the rheumatologist, had my blood work interpreted, had some re-done. its lupus. it is, however, progressing slowly. for now, i need to get a ct of my lungs (he found an "abnormality" on my chest xray) and see him every 3 months. no meds or anything yet.
i went to see a therapist for the first time in my adult life this week. i liked her. of course it was the getting to know you session, so she didn't have any words of wisdom for me yet. i'm keeping an open mind, though.
i am back on the induction phase of atkins. so far i've lost 10 pounds, which is freaking awesome after being stalled for ever and a day. since i'm being much more strict, i'm cooking my own meals again, which has gotten me back into the kitchen. i LOVE that.
other than that, not much is going on. i'm still in love with my wife, i'm still employed. all good stuff.
in other news, while i was in my quiet space, there were a few days that i didn't log into my google reader. when i finally did, over 1000 updates. i think its time to re-evaluate my subscriptions.
i'm still sort of in the quiet-ish mood, but i'm around.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
so... i did it
if you can't beat them, join them. so i joined...
i'm a tweeter.
www.twitter.com/piedrafina
the only thing i've figured out so far is how to tweet from my cell (harder than most since my provider won't let me text the twitter number). don't know a damn thing about following, how to get my tweet feed into my google reader once i do follow people, etc.
i'm a tweeter.
www.twitter.com/piedrafina
the only thing i've figured out so far is how to tweet from my cell (harder than most since my provider won't let me text the twitter number). don't know a damn thing about following, how to get my tweet feed into my google reader once i do follow people, etc.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
the white elephant in the room
i really can't deny it anymore. the state of my mental health, that is. something is up with me, but i can't put my finger on it. i don't know whether to burst into tears or run outside and scream. i feel anxious, sad, tired, worried, stressed. i'm on emotional overload.
added to the mix is the fact that i feel like crap physically. i keep telling myself that its all in my mind. i sat in that dermatologist's office and said i felt fine, now just because something came up on my bloodwork, i can't start feeling bad. its just power of suggestion, i tell myself. but all that coaching isn't working very well. i feel like i've been hit by a truck... tired, achy, dizzy.
anyway, i feel like i'm drowning in all of this, i just had to purge a little.
added to the mix is the fact that i feel like crap physically. i keep telling myself that its all in my mind. i sat in that dermatologist's office and said i felt fine, now just because something came up on my bloodwork, i can't start feeling bad. its just power of suggestion, i tell myself. but all that coaching isn't working very well. i feel like i've been hit by a truck... tired, achy, dizzy.
anyway, i feel like i'm drowning in all of this, i just had to purge a little.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
the waiting game
i went to see my primary doc awhile back for some red spots that had started appearing on my face and chest. she sent me home with a script for hydrocortisone. it certainly didn't feel like a rash, but i didn't go to medical school, so i used it for a bit. no change. when i went to see her again, she said it looked like petichae (broken capillaries) and referred me to a dermatologist. that was late last year and i kept putting off making the appointment as i had too many other things going on plus changes in insurance, medical spending deductions, etc.
so, i finally got to see him the other day and he says the same thing. he also notices that my hands were turning blue (this happens often when i'm cold). he tells me he is going to have some blood work done and his office will call me with the results. i hear him say to his nurse that he wants a "lupus panel" on me. well, of course, i can't just sit and wait for them to call me when its something like lupus hanging in the balance, so i called his office a few days later. the receptionist says that my blood work is in, but the doc hasn't looked at it yet. i mentioned that i was very nervous about the results and asked that someone let me know as soon as possible. a few minutes later my phone rings. of course, i'm hoping its the receptionist. i don't know about other people's experiences, but in my experience, if the doc themselves call you, its not good news. when the office staff calls, its usually the all clear (although my pcp had one of her staff call to tell me they found cysts on my ovaries once). anyhow, i pick up the phone and its the receptionist. i think "YAY!" after confirming who she was speaking to, the next words out of her mouth were "hold on just a second, the doctor wants to speak to you."
FUCK!
he says i tested positive for "something in the lupus family", but thinks it is a more "benign" version. he tells me he thinks it is c.r.e.s.t. syndrome (basically scleroderma) and tells me my next step is to see a rheumatologist. he recommended one who happens to accept my insurance.
i have an appointment to see him on 4/16. a freaking MONTH from now.
so for now... i wait.
so, i finally got to see him the other day and he says the same thing. he also notices that my hands were turning blue (this happens often when i'm cold). he tells me he is going to have some blood work done and his office will call me with the results. i hear him say to his nurse that he wants a "lupus panel" on me. well, of course, i can't just sit and wait for them to call me when its something like lupus hanging in the balance, so i called his office a few days later. the receptionist says that my blood work is in, but the doc hasn't looked at it yet. i mentioned that i was very nervous about the results and asked that someone let me know as soon as possible. a few minutes later my phone rings. of course, i'm hoping its the receptionist. i don't know about other people's experiences, but in my experience, if the doc themselves call you, its not good news. when the office staff calls, its usually the all clear (although my pcp had one of her staff call to tell me they found cysts on my ovaries once). anyhow, i pick up the phone and its the receptionist. i think "YAY!" after confirming who she was speaking to, the next words out of her mouth were "hold on just a second, the doctor wants to speak to you."
FUCK!
he says i tested positive for "something in the lupus family", but thinks it is a more "benign" version. he tells me he thinks it is c.r.e.s.t. syndrome (basically scleroderma) and tells me my next step is to see a rheumatologist. he recommended one who happens to accept my insurance.
i have an appointment to see him on 4/16. a freaking MONTH from now.
so for now... i wait.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
breaking news: bullshit tolerance hits an all-time low!
i am so sick and fucking tired of people passing judgment on my life and the choices i make. i'm sick of the snide little comments and i'm sick of the narrow minded views from people who claim to be open minded. so once again, you will have to pardon me if this post doesn't make much sense. this is an open letter/rant about all the people and things that are pissing me off lately:
just because i'm not living the situation YOU find to be ideal, it doesn't mean i am suffering in any way at all. in fact, i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. and just fy-fucking-i, i find your situation to be FAR from my ideal. but i don't tell you that. i let you make your own choices and i don't judge. let me make mine.
just because wifey's kids and parents are not related to me by blood doesn't make them any less "family" to me. i married a woman with kids. together we are a family, even if i didn't give birth to them. what kind of person would i be if i didn't participate in their lives?
just because i work out of the home doesn't mean wifey sits on her butt. wifey works her ASS off all day too. do you really think that caring for both of her parents who have alzheimer's is a walk in the park? or that she sits home and eats bon bons all day like peggy fucking bundy?
working outside of the home does not entail me to come home and have to not lift a finger. what kind of person would i be if that was my attitude? this isn't some leave it to beaver shit where ward goes to work and june cooks and cleans. this is real life. we share the responsibilities.
i am not doing anything more than a hetero couple in the same scenario would do. why is it ok for you but not ok for me? why is it always "you have so much on your plate"? it should be "you GUYS have so much on your plate." all that does is show me how you don't really see my relationship as a marriage. i don't care how open minded you claim to be. i see through the bullshit and i would greatly appreciate it if you quit blowing smoke up my ass.
bottom line? if people are going to continue to make assumptions about my life and then judgments based on their own incorrect assumptions without giving me or wifey the benefit of the doubt, then fuck it. and if every time i mention something that i spent time and/or energy on i have to throw a disclaimer in there how wifey spent just as much time and/or energy doing it with me just so i can prove she isn’t' taking advantage of me, then (once again) fuck it. i don't have the energy to engage in those kinds of conversations. if that means not talking about my personal life with you, then so be it. i don't need your (unsolicited) input or approval.
oh and for those people in my real life who may stumble across this (if you still read my blog), don't go getting all upset. even if it sounds like it, the above may not refer to anything you said or did. i've been getting this shit from all sides lately.
just because i'm not living the situation YOU find to be ideal, it doesn't mean i am suffering in any way at all. in fact, i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. and just fy-fucking-i, i find your situation to be FAR from my ideal. but i don't tell you that. i let you make your own choices and i don't judge. let me make mine.
just because wifey's kids and parents are not related to me by blood doesn't make them any less "family" to me. i married a woman with kids. together we are a family, even if i didn't give birth to them. what kind of person would i be if i didn't participate in their lives?
just because i work out of the home doesn't mean wifey sits on her butt. wifey works her ASS off all day too. do you really think that caring for both of her parents who have alzheimer's is a walk in the park? or that she sits home and eats bon bons all day like peggy fucking bundy?
working outside of the home does not entail me to come home and have to not lift a finger. what kind of person would i be if that was my attitude? this isn't some leave it to beaver shit where ward goes to work and june cooks and cleans. this is real life. we share the responsibilities.
i am not doing anything more than a hetero couple in the same scenario would do. why is it ok for you but not ok for me? why is it always "you have so much on your plate"? it should be "you GUYS have so much on your plate." all that does is show me how you don't really see my relationship as a marriage. i don't care how open minded you claim to be. i see through the bullshit and i would greatly appreciate it if you quit blowing smoke up my ass.
bottom line? if people are going to continue to make assumptions about my life and then judgments based on their own incorrect assumptions without giving me or wifey the benefit of the doubt, then fuck it. and if every time i mention something that i spent time and/or energy on i have to throw a disclaimer in there how wifey spent just as much time and/or energy doing it with me just so i can prove she isn’t' taking advantage of me, then (once again) fuck it. i don't have the energy to engage in those kinds of conversations. if that means not talking about my personal life with you, then so be it. i don't need your (unsolicited) input or approval.
oh and for those people in my real life who may stumble across this (if you still read my blog), don't go getting all upset. even if it sounds like it, the above may not refer to anything you said or did. i've been getting this shit from all sides lately.
Monday, February 23, 2009
stressed
you will have to excuse me if this post is backwards and sideways and vague. i'm WAY stressed right now.
sometimes life is smooth sailing, sometimes not so much. sometimes i can handle the madness, sometimes not so much. lately i have had bunches of those not so much days. at one point this weekend, wifey looked at me and said "i'm overwhelmed." i couldn't agree more. on top of the normal madness that is our life, it seems like everything else is happening at once... sick pets, kid issues, etc. it all just seemed to hit frenzied pace on friday when someone said something to me that pissed me off. what an eye opener that was, and not the good kind.
and to top it all off, i have a fucking toothache!
sometimes life is smooth sailing, sometimes not so much. sometimes i can handle the madness, sometimes not so much. lately i have had bunches of those not so much days. at one point this weekend, wifey looked at me and said "i'm overwhelmed." i couldn't agree more. on top of the normal madness that is our life, it seems like everything else is happening at once... sick pets, kid issues, etc. it all just seemed to hit frenzied pace on friday when someone said something to me that pissed me off. what an eye opener that was, and not the good kind.
and to top it all off, i have a fucking toothache!
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