Is this really my life?

I wrote this the other day, just getting around to posting it.

Yesterday I was sleepy the whole day but I didn't feel the lack of stamina sort of fatigue. I took it easy the whole day anyway, just to be safe. A bit before bedtime, the baby was climbing up on my chair and on me so I played with her bit (without even getting out of the chair) and it tired me out so much I thought I was going to pass out. Shortly after that I had to eat something so I could swallow my handful of pills that is my evening dose. I had to take them with sprite cuz I have been so nauseous this week. Standing there swallowing pills, still tired from doing nothing and in so much pain that I had limped to the kitchen, I thought "is this really my life?". Will it really always be like this?

just a small purge

i'd love to be able to say that peace has returned to my house, but it hasn't. sure, the wife and i had a heart to heart and things were good for a solid 48 hrs. since then, they have been good in spurts, but at the moment i'm so annoyed i've decided its best if i don't speak to her for a bit because i know i will start a fight. so we are in separate rooms, doing our own thing at the moment.

i'd also love to be able to say i'm feeling better, but the truth is i'm not. my 20 year class reunion was this past weekend and i wasn't well enough to go. it wasn't so much the reunion as being able to go back to my hometown that i wanted, but regardless, lupus wouldn't allow it. i knew this way in advance and didn't even bother buying a plane ticket. however, that sort of put the icing on the cake of this feeling that there is a whole life out there that i can't live anymore. a life full of socializing, laughter, sunshine, baseball games... it makes me sick to my stomach thinking of all the shit i've missed out on since this fucking disease took hold of my body.

the other thing that has been bothering me this week are some people who are not in my life as much as they used to be and every time i see posts on facebook from them, it pisses me off but i don't quite know why. i mean, i didn't expect their lives to stop because suddenly they don't see me every day. i certainly don't want them in my life now, so its not like i miss them. i guess i'm just angry that i was written off so easily. i never thought the faces they showed were really their true colors, but it still upsets me. this is leading to me not posting as much on facebook unless its something upbeat because i don't want them to know that i'm suffering. for some idiotic reason i want them to think i'm fine without them. i am most definitely not fine, but it has nothing to do with them not being in my life.

since i have no health insurance, i have to go to the community hospital which is rather far (not to mention tolls, parking and wait time). but, it is what i have to do if i intend to get health care, which i can't avoid. every time i think about it, i get angry about having lost my job all over again. at least i'm progressing from being angry about it all day every day. so this week i have one appointment for bloodwork, another next week and a followup visit shortly after that. it has been almost a month since my first visit to the clinic and i have yet to get my referral to the rheumatologist. i am not going on 5 months with no rheumy visit.

Somebody throw me a life preserver!

I feel like I am drowning. My head is swimming with a thousand suggestions from family and friends and I am sick to death of it. Everyone seems to have an explanation or suggestion for why I feel so horrible or what I could do to feel better.

There are those who constantly ask me how I am feeling, but that question always comes with such pressure to reassure them that everything is ok. Then there are those who never ask at all and go on like it isn't happening. Either they say I am doing too much or not getting out enough. One says I am not eating right, the other says I should add some new supplement to my diet that they heard is a wonder cure. I get lots of "you should exercise more." Either they tell me that I sleep too much or I am not getting enough rest. Or how about the insomnia I battle on occasion is in my head? Gotta love that one. There is also one who says my doctor doesn't know what he is doing because he hasn't been able to get my symptoms under control yet even though it is well known that it can take several years to accomplish that.

As fun as all that sounds, I have saved the best for last. I would like to present you with my all time favorites:

3. I feel so horrible because I don't think positive enough If I mention a new symptom that I notice or something that concerns me, I am bringing it on myself by focusing on it and being negative.

2. I don't have enough faith in my life. If I prayed more maybe things would be better. Or if I went to their church I would be miraculously cured.

1. While it is not my fault that I have lupus, it is my fault that my symptoms are as bad as they are. Apparently I make it worse by not eating right and not resting enough (because I have fallen asleep at my computer until 5 or 6 in the morning on more than one occasion). This blame then inhibits this particular person from showing me any emotional support because they are angry with me.

I realize that there may be grains of truth in some of those statements, but what I wish is that they would just stop with the suggestions, blame, avoidance and general nonsense and just take a moment to ask me what I want or how I feel about all of this. I would like more than anything to feel like I am not going through this alone emotionally. It would be great to have them talk to me instead of lecturing. And it would totally rock if someone would just hold me and let me cry on their shoulder when I feel that it is more than I handle.

Sometimes you just need to cry

This entry marks the start of a new direction for my blog: my life with lupus. I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus in May 2009 and while I may have blogged about it some, I have avoided talking too much about the disease, treatments or my feelings about any of it. I have posted once or twice saying that I was going to, but I just reread those and I still played it close to the vest. I avoided it because I always thought that topics like that were too much of a downer to blog about given the kinds of entries I used to post. That then led to me just not blogging at all because the truth is that this disease has encompassed every aspect of my life and changed me in more ways than I was prepared for. The wanton lesbian who often gushed about her wifey and blogged about bringing sexy back has left the building (although I am begging her to return) and in her place is a very tired lesbian who is in constant pain, and fighting to get a handle in the whole situation. But the disease and it's treatment (not to mention the side effects of said treatment) are slippery sons of bitches and that handle on the situation is one elusive mother fucker. I hear people say "I have lupus, lupus doesn't have me." I want very much to feel that, but the truth is I feel that lupus does have me. By the balls even. (figuratively speaking, of course) I know that I have a tendency to gloss over things and answer with a smile so as not to look like a complainer or worry other people. So often my answer to the standard "how are you feeling" question is "fine" when I am not, so blogging about my life with lupus means getting more real and honest than I have been about all of this before, but not only do I need the outlet, I miss blogging. So after much thought I have decided that its my party and I'll cry if I want to. This is, after all, my blog and these are the things going on in my life at present. I don't plan to hold anything back or mince words. You have been warned.

So, as I was saying, sometimes you just need to cry. And that is exactly what I have done several times in the last few days. I cried out of frustration, anger, pain, resentment. I cried for the state of my health, my financial situation, my relationship... I cried because I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to pop a handful of pills twice a day anymore, I want my relationship with wifey to go back to being easy, and I want to not be so broke that I don't have enough money to go to the doctor or buy my meds.

I have heard that crying is supposed to be cathartic, but I honestly don't feel any better. Even now, I feel the tears there, just below the surface. Like if I were pushed just a little harder, I would burst into tears again. Maybe I didn't cry enough to make the tears to issues ratio tip the other way. The problem (for me) with bursting into tears is that I don't like to cry in front of people. You know, that whole "never let them see you sweat" mentality. In all the years I have been living with wifey and the kiddos (9 years), I don't think the kids have ever seen me cry even once. So not only do I have enough issues to bring me to tears, I have issues with the tears too.

My symptoms started in November 2009 and since then it has been an uphill battle. No matter what meds they put me on, my symptoms are not under control. When I got diagnosed, I had no symptoms and I thought I would stay like that for awhile. It took me awhile to process that I have this chronic disease, but I felt like I could handle it. 6 months later, the symptoms started with a vengeance. This was a new reality and I had to wrap my head around the diagnosis all over again. But I did and I thought I could handle it. When I started the meds I thought ok, I take these pills and I will get back to the old me. As it turns out... Not so much.

For 2 fucking years it has been a fight to even get out of bed most days, not to mention trying to hold down a job. I used all my vacation and sick time way before the year was up and ended up having to have my pay docked after that because I could not manage a 40 hour week. I even had to take naps in my car on my lunch break just to make it through the hours I did manage to work. You may notice that I am referring to my job in the past tense. That is because, on top of the health issues, I found myself without a job in April. No job equals no income and also equals no insurance. I applied for Medicaid but got denied because I am not over 65 or don't have a child. I applied for food stamps but got denied because, apparently I get too much money from unemployment. Mind you, unemployment is only half of what I used to make and my medication costs are now 100% out of pocket. But that doesn't matter to any of these agencies. I then applied for disability and also got denied. The disability doctor's report said I didn't look depressed. He must not have looked hard enough. Of course it appears not to matter that I have not been able to work a full time schedule in two years. Nor does it seem to matter that I have lupus AND fibromyalgia and am on 11 different medications (one of which I inject myself with in the stomach) plus other required supplements. I am, of course, appealing the decision and have hired a disability lawyer.

As if there were not enough going on, the stress us really taking a toll on the wife and I. I miss the days where we could lay in bed talking at the end of a hard day. Hell, I miss the days where we could at least be nice to each other. So many days we can't even manage that for a whole 24 hours. One of us inevitably snaps at the other and it is ON. The bottom line is that she is my wife and I adore her. I cannot imagine myself without her, but I worry that we won't survive this.

Through all of this I have learned a very important thing about myself. I base my worth on what I can provide for you. No sense trying to tell me that is bullshit because I know it is and somehow (even though I realize it is totally off base), I have not been able to move past it. I know this because I am at the point where I can no longer physically provide anything for anyone. I am actually usually asking for help from my family rather than doing for them, which has left me feeling pretty shitty. Even so, I used to have my job to fall back on. I used to think "I may not be able to help around the house but at least I bring money in." Well, that is gone now too. Can you see where this is going? My self worth is out the fucking window. Wifey has so much on her plate being her parents' caregiver and picking up my slack and now she has me to worry about too. She says I am not taking care of myself. She says I don't rest enough, I don't eat right, etc. She shouldn't have to think of those things. Yes I know she does because she loves me, but I still feel guilty. She also thinks that my not eating right and not resting enough is making my symptoms worse, so that creates a whole other complication for our already drowning relationship.

People have told me to stay positive and all I have to say is walk a mile in my shoes and see how positive you are after even 24 hours. I've also been told that accepting my situation may help me deal better. While that may be true, I'd like to see them in my position and see if it is just such an easy siutation to accept. Those words of advice roll of the tongue quite easily, but the reality of this isn't nearly as easy.

i whip my fort back and forth

From my friend Nominator98 for Owl City... (he'll understand, I'm sure)

A suggestion for your fort theme song, even though it has nothing to with fluffiness.

******************************

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth

Hop about the fort turn my swag on
Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off
and we ain't doing nothing wrong
so don't tell me nothing, i'm just tryna have fun
so keep the party jumping

so whats up (yea)
And I'll be doing what to do
we turn our back
and whip our fort and just shake them off
shake them off, shake them off, shake them off

Don't let haters keep me off my fort
Keep my guard up i know I'll be fine
Keep fighting until i get there
When i'm down and i feel like giving up i think again

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth ( ok ok ok ok )
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth

I'ma get more shine in a little bit
Soon as i hit the stage applause im hearing it
whether its black stars black hearts don't feeling it
but can't none of them whip it like i do
I, i gets it in mmmm yea i go hard
when they see me pull up i whip it real hard
i whip it real hard, real hard, i whip it real hard

Don't let haters keep me off my fort
Keep my guard up i know I'll be fine
Keep fighting until i get there
When i'm down and i feel like giving up i think again

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (ok, ok just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth

All my Weirdos if you feel me
come on do it do it whip your fort
(whip your fort)
Don't matter if its big or small
(big,small)
do it do it whip your fort
(whip your fort)
All my Weirdos if you feel me
come on do it do it whip your fort
(whip your fort)
Don't matter if its big, small
(big,small)
do it do it whip your fort (your fort,your fort)

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip my fort)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip my fort)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip my fort)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
(just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth (whip it real good)

I whip my fort back and forth
I whip my fort back and forth
I whip...

***************************************

Nominator 98
I'm epic!

telling it like it is

you know, i usually try and be all upbeat and positive when it comes to my health. sure, i don't always succeed. i do have my moments, but i try to keep the complaining to a minimum. i do that so people don't think i'm a whiner, mostly. i get a lot of "there are people worse off out there." while that may be true, it doesn't always help.

another part of the sunshiney/upbeat thing is that, for the most part, you can't tell that i have lupus. you'd only pick up on the signs that are there if you knew what you were looking for. so people tend to say "but you look fine!" when i tell them i'm ill. the pain and fatigue show on my face or in my voice sometimes, but that is about it. i am always worried that people will think i'm just lazy, or making it up, or that i'm a hypochondriac. there is someone that wifey knows who seems to be inventing new illnesses all the time and she gets looked at like she's nuts. i don't want to be that person.

when i go to the doctor and he asks how are you, i think the worst i've said is "i've been better" and that was ONE time. my answer is always "fine" or "good". but the truth is, if i was either one of those things, i wouldn't be in his office in the first place, now would i?

but you know what i think today? fuck it. right now, i need to tell it like it is. its my blog and i'll cry if i want to, so if you want to skip the whining, stop reading now...

i'm in the grips of a flare (disease activity) right now and it is miserable. everything hurts. it hurts to sit, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to walk. and i'm so tired. oh god am i beyond any level of tired i ever knew existed. as a blogger who is far more eloquent that i put it "Everything hurts by bedtime; my back, my legs, my head. My heart."

on top of lupus, i have sjogren's (which boils down to dry eyes and dry mouth) and raynaud's (which makes my hands and feet cold and turn blue at the drop of a hat). so i'm tired, i'm in pain, i feel weak, my eyes are gritty and painfully dry and no matter what i do, i can't get my hands warm. i'm just bundles and oodles of fun right now.

i had to actually leave work early yesterday (which i don't do unless i feel like hell) and go home and crawl into bed. i stayed there until dinner, and managed to make my way to the sofa after that until bed time. i was able to rock the baby to sleep somewhere in there, but that was the extent of my activity yesterday. if only that would mean i felt better today, but it doesn't. i hate this shit with a passion. and let me just say that laying in bed listening to life go on all around me and not being able to participate fucking SUCKS! i know that there is really nothing i can do but ride the wave and take my meds until it goes into remission, so i'm trying not to hold on to the frustration too much, but it is fucking hard.

as for the medications, i'm on steriods, an anti-malaria drug and now they are adding an immunosuppresant. this is the shit they give people who have had organ transplants to prevent rejection. yee haw! doesn't sound like fun stuff, does it?

when i first got diagnosed, wifey seemed to think that acknowledging the fact that i have lupus means the disease wins the battle, so she was always trying to be positive about the whole thing (trying to find non lupus explanations for my symptoms), which i appreciate (since i know her motivation), but sometimes it just is what it is and i don't need a positive spin, i just need a hug. i still try not to talk about it too much cuz i feel like she will think i'm not being positive about it, but the other day she said its all i talk about. go figure!

i actually overheard her telling her mother last night that i have lupus. while it feels better to hear her admit it, it still feels a bit weird. my step son asks me periodically how i'm feeling. my step daughter doesn't ask much at all. i know that for the kids especially, that is their way of dealing. they figure if they don't ask much its less scary. and that is fine with me. everyone deals with these things in their own way. but in general my disease isn't discussed much. not that i want it to be, so thats fine. it feels strange sometimes, but still fine. like when i give wifey an update on my doc appointment or recent bloodwork and the kids are within earshot. it feels like i'm talking about something taboo. i know thats all in my head, but hey, i never claimed to be sane. :-) i know she told her family and friends about my diagnosis (and the recent addition of the new meds), but not when i was around. i know they ask how i'm doing, and she tells them the truth (which is not so good lately), but they ask in texts or emails or when they speak to her on the phone, so i'm usually not around or not aware that they asked. so while she and i talk about it (more than i realize, apparently) it feels so weird to hear her say it out loud.

and on that note, break time is over and i'm outta here.

peace, love and hair grease!

its been a minute...

so where have i been? i've been busy being a medical trainwreck, thats where i've been. i've been to more doctor's appointments and had more tests run that i can count anymore. i have literally started carrying around a folder with all the lab results in it and just handing it to each doctor when i go in. i had my adrenal gland removed in september and a liver biopsy in january. meanwhile, the day after thanksgiving, i felt like i'd been hit by a truck. i thought i was just tired from the day before and brushed it off. however, when i saw that it wasn't getting better a few days later, i called the doc. he took me as a walk in right away. the verdict: lupus was inactive when he diagnosed me, but is active now. time to start meds. still on them now, still feeling like holy hell. doc is considering adding a third one to the mix. this whole thing has me trying to accept the diagnosis all over again. i got diagnosed in may and i knew i wouldn't always feel like i did then (no effects to speak of other than minor annoyances), but i thought i'd have a little longer than a few months. as it turns out.... not so much. my energy level is in the crapper. at least it gives me plenty of time to crochet.

in other news, to say things with wifey have been tense lately would be an understatement. however, i think we are on our way to working it out. the bottom line is that we still love each other and i think thats enough to see us through whatever the hell this is that is going on.

for the mean time, i'm still alive and kicking, and thats something.

a month? really?

ok, so its been a month since i last posted. that doesn't mean i don't love my blog, does it? i've been crazy busy as well as just plain crazy this past month. so, for those of you who are interested, here is the update:

more health stuff. *sigh* i've had to relay the story to all my friends and family, so i'm getting tired of hearing myself tell it. the CT revealed a mass on my adrenal gland, going to see another specialist in july. that is their first available appointment. a freaking MONTH from now! there is more, but i really don't want to turn this into a list of my physical ailments so we will just leave it at that since it is the most pressing of the items.

still in therapy. i think i'm glossing things over with her just like i do in my personal life. i felt like the last session was just me telling her what i had done during the week and how busy wifey and i are. i'm not paying her to run down my task list. i feel more... out of control would be as close as i could get to describing it... when i'm not there. i make lists of things in my head that i want to mention. but when i sit down and she asks how i feel, i answer "fine" and smile pretty. i really need to cut that shit out.

i'm feeling the pull of my old religious practices again (santeria) and struggling with it. i stopped pracitcing for a reason, but it still speaks to me on a spiritual level. i'm torn. i miss it, but i don't miss the people that i associated with back then.

ummm.... i think thats it. not a lot, i realize. between the baby, the in laws, and my step daughter's work schedule wifey and i (more wifey than me) barely have time to sleep, much less blog.

peace, love, and hair grease.

not really here, only a figment of your imagination

so, i've been MIA for a few days. i don't really have an explanation, other than the fact that true to my astrological sign, i can be a crab sometimes and retreat into my shell. i get quiet and don't feel like interacting much. i have mentioned previously the love affair i am having with facebook. but it goes even deeper than that. when don't feel like talking much, facebook lets me look out the peephole while staying in my little safe space. i can keep up with people without having to actually "say" anything. i can take a quiz and post my results or read my friends updates, etc. i have still been reading blogs almost every day, but when i'm in that mood, i rarely comment. so for those of you whose blogs i read, i still love ya! ;-)

here is whats been going on in my world:

i'm officially a step-grandma. the baby is almost two months old now. i thought i had already mentioned that on here, but i just looked at my posts and see that i didn't. i know mentioned it on facebook. (just more proof of how i'm cheating on my blog with facebook)

went to the rheumatologist, had my blood work interpreted, had some re-done. its lupus. it is, however, progressing slowly. for now, i need to get a ct of my lungs (he found an "abnormality" on my chest xray) and see him every 3 months. no meds or anything yet.

i went to see a therapist for the first time in my adult life this week. i liked her. of course it was the getting to know you session, so she didn't have any words of wisdom for me yet. i'm keeping an open mind, though.

i am back on the induction phase of atkins. so far i've lost 10 pounds, which is freaking awesome after being stalled for ever and a day. since i'm being much more strict, i'm cooking my own meals again, which has gotten me back into the kitchen. i LOVE that.

other than that, not much is going on. i'm still in love with my wife, i'm still employed. all good stuff.

in other news, while i was in my quiet space, there were a few days that i didn't log into my google reader. when i finally did, over 1000 updates. i think its time to re-evaluate my subscriptions.

i'm still sort of in the quiet-ish mood, but i'm around.

so... i did it

if you can't beat them, join them. so i joined...

i'm a tweeter.

www.twitter.com/piedrafina

the only thing i've figured out so far is how to tweet from my cell (harder than most since my provider won't let me text the twitter number). don't know a damn thing about following, how to get my tweet feed into my google reader once i do follow people, etc.

the white elephant in the room

i really can't deny it anymore. the state of my mental health, that is. something is up with me, but i can't put my finger on it. i don't know whether to burst into tears or run outside and scream. i feel anxious, sad, tired, worried, stressed. i'm on emotional overload.

added to the mix is the fact that i feel like crap physically. i keep telling myself that its all in my mind. i sat in that dermatologist's office and said i felt fine, now just because something came up on my bloodwork, i can't start feeling bad. its just power of suggestion, i tell myself. but all that coaching isn't working very well. i feel like i've been hit by a truck... tired, achy, dizzy.

anyway, i feel like i'm drowning in all of this, i just had to purge a little.

the waiting game

i went to see my primary doc awhile back for some red spots that had started appearing on my face and chest. she sent me home with a script for hydrocortisone. it certainly didn't feel like a rash, but i didn't go to medical school, so i used it for a bit. no change. when i went to see her again, she said it looked like petichae (broken capillaries) and referred me to a dermatologist. that was late last year and i kept putting off making the appointment as i had too many other things going on plus changes in insurance, medical spending deductions, etc.

so, i finally got to see him the other day and he says the same thing. he also notices that my hands were turning blue (this happens often when i'm cold). he tells me he is going to have some blood work done and his office will call me with the results. i hear him say to his nurse that he wants a "lupus panel" on me. well, of course, i can't just sit and wait for them to call me when its something like lupus hanging in the balance, so i called his office a few days later. the receptionist says that my blood work is in, but the doc hasn't looked at it yet. i mentioned that i was very nervous about the results and asked that someone let me know as soon as possible. a few minutes later my phone rings. of course, i'm hoping its the receptionist. i don't know about other people's experiences, but in my experience, if the doc themselves call you, its not good news. when the office staff calls, its usually the all clear (although my pcp had one of her staff call to tell me they found cysts on my ovaries once). anyhow, i pick up the phone and its the receptionist. i think "YAY!" after confirming who she was speaking to, the next words out of her mouth were "hold on just a second, the doctor wants to speak to you."

FUCK!

he says i tested positive for "something in the lupus family", but thinks it is a more "benign" version. he tells me he thinks it is c.r.e.s.t. syndrome (basically scleroderma) and tells me my next step is to see a rheumatologist. he recommended one who happens to accept my insurance.

i have an appointment to see him on 4/16. a freaking MONTH from now.

so for now... i wait.

breaking news: bullshit tolerance hits an all-time low!

i am so sick and fucking tired of people passing judgment on my life and the choices i make. i'm sick of the snide little comments and i'm sick of the narrow minded views from people who claim to be open minded. so once again, you will have to pardon me if this post doesn't make much sense. this is an open letter/rant about all the people and things that are pissing me off lately:

just because i'm not living the situation YOU find to be ideal, it doesn't mean i am suffering in any way at all. in fact, i'm happier than i've ever been in my life. and just fy-fucking-i, i find your situation to be FAR from my ideal. but i don't tell you that. i let you make your own choices and i don't judge. let me make mine.

just because wifey's kids and parents are not related to me by blood doesn't make them any less "family" to me. i married a woman with kids. together we are a family, even if i didn't give birth to them. what kind of person would i be if i didn't participate in their lives?

just because i work out of the home doesn't mean wifey sits on her butt. wifey works her ASS off all day too. do you really think that caring for both of her parents who have alzheimer's is a walk in the park? or that she sits home and eats bon bons all day like peggy fucking bundy?

working outside of the home does not entail me to come home and have to not lift a finger. what kind of person would i be if that was my attitude? this isn't some leave it to beaver shit where ward goes to work and june cooks and cleans. this is real life. we share the responsibilities.

i am not doing anything more than a hetero couple in the same scenario would do. why is it ok for you but not ok for me? why is it always "you have so much on your plate"? it should be "you GUYS have so much on your plate." all that does is show me how you don't really see my relationship as a marriage. i don't care how open minded you claim to be. i see through the bullshit and i would greatly appreciate it if you quit blowing smoke up my ass.

bottom line? if people are going to continue to make assumptions about my life and then judgments based on their own incorrect assumptions without giving me or wifey the benefit of the doubt, then fuck it. and if every time i mention something that i spent time and/or energy on i have to throw a disclaimer in there how wifey spent just as much time and/or energy doing it with me just so i can prove she isn’t' taking advantage of me, then (once again) fuck it. i don't have the energy to engage in those kinds of conversations. if that means not talking about my personal life with you, then so be it. i don't need your (unsolicited) input or approval.

oh and for those people in my real life who may stumble across this (if you still read my blog), don't go getting all upset. even if it sounds like it, the above may not refer to anything you said or did. i've been getting this shit from all sides lately.

stressed

you will have to excuse me if this post is backwards and sideways and vague. i'm WAY stressed right now.

sometimes life is smooth sailing, sometimes not so much. sometimes i can handle the madness, sometimes not so much. lately i have had bunches of those not so much days. at one point this weekend, wifey looked at me and said "i'm overwhelmed." i couldn't agree more. on top of the normal madness that is our life, it seems like everything else is happening at once... sick pets, kid issues, etc. it all just seemed to hit frenzied pace on friday when someone said something to me that pissed me off. what an eye opener that was, and not the good kind.

and to top it all off, i have a fucking toothache!

something blue/celebrating love

ok, so my last two posts for the blog carnival is late. i took a few days off to help the wife paint the house before the step-daughter gives birth and didn't get around to posting.

i don't have a pic of my something blue (paint covered hands kind of hinder picture taking. :D) so, lets just pretend you are looking at a picture of a tiny blue gift box (ring sized) with a blue bow. that was the box my valentine's gift (a new thumb ring) came in.

and as for the celebrating love contribution, after a day of painting (friday) and a morning/afternoon at the vet (saturday), we were very tired lesbians. so, we celebrated our love by getting valentine's themed boxers for the whole family, putting them all on and watching a movie together. as i told the wife, hey, it wasn't the most romantic day we've ever spent, but a - we spent the whole day together and b - we spent the evening with the people that matter most. that is a perfect valentine's day for me.

something borrowed

that is my first tattoo - it is on my right breast. so why am i posting it as my "something borrowed" contribution? well, i had always wanted a tattoo, but never had the guts to get one. when i met wifey, she had 3 (she has 5 now). she offered to take me to her tattoo artist and sit with me while i got it done. so we went, i looked at the art on the walls, and i fell in love with this butterfly. once i made my decision, i called the wife over and said "this one." she asked me if i was sure at least 3 times (no exaggeration). i finally got frustrated and asked why she kept asking that. to which she lowers the neckline of her shirt a little on the left and shows me that exact tattoo. no wonder i liked it... i'd seen it so many times. still, i was in love with it. i had seen another butterfly tattoo with a star on the wing which i liked, but i liked this butterfly better, so i decided i would have them add the star to this one to make it a little more personal (since stars and butterflies mean something to me). so i might have changed it a little, and it might have been totally on acciedent, but the design was still borrowed from the wife.

something new

my something new contribution is the newest addition to the furry part of our family: tammy

something old

i'm participating in the blog carnival for freedom to marry week.

The way it works is simple. Each day next week, post to your blog or facebook page something on these topics, according to the "olde" wedding tradition:

Tuesday, Feb. 10... Something Old
Wednesday, Feb. 11... Something New
Thursday, Feb. 12... Something Borrowed
Friday, Feb. 13... Something Blue
Saturday, Feb. 14... Valentine's Day: Celebrate Love

in july 2002, we had a commitment ceremony on the beach in key west at sunset. of course it wasn't a real legal "wedding", but to us it was. so, in honor of freedom to marry week. and in the hopes that one day we can make it as legal as it feels to us in our hearts, here is my two part "something old" contribution.

a pic of the place we stayed on our honeymoon (an all girl hotel in key west):





and an except from a post i wrote about it awhile back (on my old blog)

let me set the scene for you. i'm in a hotel room in key west that opens out to the pool. its an all female hotel. really. men aren't allowed on the property at all. my mom and i are in the room, just having put the final touches on my wedding hair do and pedicure. we walk out and all the lesbians in the pool see me in a wedding dress (gorgeous off the shoulder cream colored dress with tafetta flowers along the shoulders and neckline and a full skirt, thank you ) and they all say "AWWW" in unison. my mom is so excited that she exclaims "we're getting married! well not me and her, i'm her mom" of course everyone cracks up and off we go to the beach for the sunset ceremony. *cue the music* bryan adams and barbara streisand are singing "i finally found someone" as she and i walk through the sand to each other, me escorted by my mother, she escorted by a close guy friend of ours (who took his job VERY seriously, it was so precious). as the sun set, we promised to love each other forever and exchanged rings. afterwards, we shared cake with our closest friends and my mother and step-dad and posed for tons of pics. we spent the remainder of the wekeend in key west and were back at work on monday. its been wedded bliss ever since.

behind the wheel - musical meme action

i saw this one somewhere and thought it would be interesting. most of the answers seem a bit random to me, but i spent the time on my lunch break doing it, so i'm posting it anyway. where i found the answer appropriate, i commented.

***********************************************

What do your friends think of you?
love bites by def leppard

How would you describe yourself?
don't leave me this way by donna summer (i don't want to stay this way (ie overweight) forever)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
tell it to my heart by taylor dayne

How do you feel today?
feel good inc by gorillaz (i do feel good. a little frazzled, by good)

What is your life’s purpose?
shameless by garth brooks

What is your motto?
when i grow up by the pussycat dolls

What do you think about very often?
a question of time by depeche mode

What do you think of your best friend?
ay bay bay by hurricane chris

What do you think of the person you like?
all by myself by eric carmen (this song actually does remind me of wifey. its an inside joke with us)

What is your life story?
get fucked up by iconz

What do you want to be when you grow up?
been so long by anita baker

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
culo by pitbull (culo means butt in spanish. wifey does have a nice one. *drool*)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
borracho y loco by los enanitos verdes (borracho y loco means drunk and crazy)

What will they play at your funeral?
i wish by r. kelly

What is your hobby/interest?
baby blue by george strait

What is your biggest fear?
its going down by yung joc

What is your biggest secret?
cuidarte el alma by chayanne

What do you think of your friends?
me so horny by 2 live crew (wtf? LMAO!)

What will you post this as?
behind the wheel by depeche mode

i do not want this

i am in a horrible mood today. its one of those days where everything bothers me. certain people are just getting on my nerves, there is too much to do, not enough money to do it with, not enough time to do it all, i have had no results on my diet in way too long... and on and on the list goes. i hate being in this mood. that, of course, only makes the mood worse. i had a little freak out last night which led to a fight with the wife, which also makes the mood worse. we aren't still fighting or anything, but i am always OFF for awhile when we fight. the only thing that has made me laugh all day was the memory of me telling the wife "oh no you DIDN'T!" when she said something i didn't like. sometimes my inner sha-nay-nay comes out. lol.

so many times when i feel like this people say that wifey and i have too much on our plates and we need to take a break. easy for them to say... who stays with her parents and the kids while we take our break? nobody is willing to. and if we went somewhere, what exactly can we do for zero dollars? we could go to the beach and walk around or go to the lesbian club before they start charging cover at 11, but there is the issue of gas and parking. we are seriously in that tight of a financial situation that those things are a concern.

aside from that, another huge frustration for me is the diet issue. i can't tell you how tired i am of watching every SINGLE bite of food going in my mouth and getting no results. i have willpower like you wouldn't beleive, but i need to see results. "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is a good mantra, but not so much when you aren't losing weight. maybe i need to switch to south beach or something. all i know is i can't take much more of this. this issue is bigger than just what i eat. i'm so tired of not liking what i see in the mirror. the wife, bless her, thinks i'm a super-hottie. while that does help, it doesn't change it completely.

to top it off, i haven't been feeling the greatest this week. i'm a sleepy head, but this week has been out of hand. no matter how many hours a day i sleep, i'm exhausted all day long. someone at work was saying its because i'm stressed out, but i don't feel stressed. sure, wifey and i (more wifey since she stays home with them) have more on our plates than the average person, but i've pretty much adjusted to level of madness.

maybe i just need a drink.