this is a copy of an old post from my old blog (efx2 which then became efx2blogs). in the end, the final incarnation (efx2blogs) went down one too many times for me, so i switched to blogger. i was able to recover most of my older stuff (efx2) from archive.org. some smilies, graphics, and/or links may be missing, but you get the idea.
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so much of my life has been spent counting. counting calories, exchanges, points, carbs, pounds, inches and dress sizes. i can't tell you how many times i've heard "you have such a pretty face" which ineveitably translates to me "but your body is FUCKED up." yes, my friends, i am a fat chick. saying that out loud feels like i am revealing some deep dark secret. people around the blogosphere have referred to me as "sexy" which makes it feel like an even deeper, darker secret. fat girls aren't sexy. i know that wifey finds me sexy, which blows my mind cuz she's seen me at my worst: she's seen me naked.
it seems the older i get, the worse the problem gets. i'm at the point where, according to my pulmonologist, it is causing me to have sleep apnea. yes, thats another confession. sexy girls don't stop breathing when they sleep. but thats my reality. the apnea causes lack of oxygen which causes migraines. it also causes a lack of restful sleep which leads to all day fatigue. according to my primary doctor, i now have high blood pressure and high blood sugar, also weight related. its do or die time and she suggests gastric bypass. wifey says no and i'm terrified of it. doc says she's monitored me for a year now and its my only option. on the one hand, its an end to the counting. on the other, i feel defeated. i feel like she's told me i can't do it on my own.
in addition to all the lovlieness i've already mentioned, i also have contstant back pain which is made worse by, you guessed it, my weight. i swear i could have a cold and my doc would blame my weight. every doc i saw after the accident which actually herniated the disc, the weight makes it worse. but i can't exercise to help the weight loss along because i'm in pain.
i've heard countless opinions as to what makes me over weight. its the one donut they saw me eat, nevermind the fact that it was probably the only one that week or even that month. but of course that must be the culprit. because i'm fat i must eat them by the dozens at home when nobody is looking. i've heard about every diet every family member/friend/aquiaintance of everyone i know has ever done that worked for them.
what i really want is to one day like what i see in the mirror, that when my boss offers to take me to the spa (like she did today) that my first thought won't be "not in a bathing suit!"
Comments (11) | diary of a fat girl
ReplyDeleteComment Replies
RE: rambling
Posted by: sic | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 05:39 AM
Regardless of what the brain-washers would have us all believe, sexiness and beauty are not related to body shape or size.
I've witnessed many women go through the struggle, and as an overweight in varying degrees most of my life type of dude, I've dealt with it in my own way too, though mostly I don't put alot of thought into it, aside from the health risks as I get older.
I hope you find the right path to be happy with your weight, but until you find the right formula, remember when you look in that mirror, keep in mind there's more to the person you see than just a body fat ratio. Your wife sees it, your friends and family see it, and even strangers in blogland see it. There's alot to like there.
sic
RE: rambling
Posted by: spaceystacey | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 06:11 AM
awwww, sic. that was sweet! thank you!
RE: rambling
Posted by: SplinteredMind | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 02:00 PM
I could not agree more with SIC. To me, the person is sexy no matter how she is wrapped. I'd rather have a VW with a Ferrari engine than the reverse (like the total dumb guy thing car analogy? It comes out every now and then).
We are a sum of our parts and the skin we're in is just ONE part of what makes us great. Unfortunately we all live and die by the mirror and yet it only shows us the one part. However, we through the blogosphere have come to know you as a funnny, smart, sexy beast.
I fell your pain, literally. I've broken my back and constantly see a spine doc and chiro to keep me squared away (just had some work done recently too) and weight is a factor in my health too. After the procedure I was able to get back in the gym and get back in shape and I get the same you have to stay fit and in shape or your back will suffer.
You have to be happy. That's the most important thing and one of the sexiest things on the planet. The other pieces wll fall into place. You have a great wifey and a blog support group here to help.
Let me tell you, after getting to know you through your blog and then seeing those sexy lips...I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers.......and if I did we'd just have sex on the floor!
RE: rambling
Posted by: Enidation | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 02:20 PM
I love you momma. I can commiserate. It's not causing me as many health problems but I saw my frida kahlo pics.
I wasn't so happy.
Although I have tones of back pain and it really hurts to wake up in the morning. i'm sure I'm closely behind you.
I support what ever decission you make though, from all the way over here. It's you decission your body and your health.
xoxo
enid
RE: rambling
Posted by: benthere | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 03:19 PM
Stacy I could have written this entry.
My health is more of an issue because of the stress in my job, but that has also contributed to my increasing weight problem.
I had surgery when I was 18, not a bypass, I had my stomach stapled.
I lost about 80 lbs and gained it back when I got pregnant a few years later. I have never been able to keep it off despite the fact that I really eat very little and try to stick to what is good for me. I do have bad days, I have chocolate cake issues on occasion but I am not a glutton. I do work out and I try to do so regularly...nothing seems to help.
Oh girl I so relate.
As far as sexy goes, I do believe fat girls are just as sexy as bony chicks. Thankfully my husband and your wife both agree.
I think you are beautiful and sexy Stacy and I do not have to see you to know that.
RE: rambling
Posted by: benthere | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 03:19 PM
Stacy I could have written this entry.
My health is more of an issue because of the stress in my job, but that has also contributed to my increasing weight problem.
I had surgery when I was 18, not a bypass, I had my stomach stapled.
I lost about 80 lbs and gained it back when I got pregnant a few years later. I have never been able to keep it off despite the fact that I really eat very little and try to stick to what is good for me. I do have bad days, I have chocolate cake issues on occasion but I am not a glutton. I do work out and I try to do so regularly...nothing seems to help.
Oh girl I so relate.
As far as sexy goes, I do believe fat girls are just as sexy as bony chicks. Thankfully my husband and your wife both agree.
I think you are beautiful and sexy Stacy and I do not have to see you to know that.
RE: rambling
Posted by: spaceystacey | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 06:56 PM
wow! i'm amazed at the show of support. you guys rock my socks!
RE: rambling
Posted by: SplinteredMind | [ + ]
Date: Apr 19, 2006 at 07:01 PM
See? We're here for ya girlie!
(I'd like to rock your socks, heheheheh)
RE: rambling
Posted by: spaceystacey | [ + ]
Date: Apr 20, 2006 at 05:10 AM
i bet you would!
RE: rambling
Posted by: BudaBoy | [ + ]
Date: Apr 20, 2006 at 09:14 PM
I have the privilege of knowing you not only over the phone or on line but also in person. I can state in no uncertain terms that you are sexy and yes you have a pretty face and most important of all a beautiful soul. Over the years and because of the work I used to do I have known some of the ?beautiful people? of the world and I can tell you from first hand experience they are some of the most unattractive people I have ever had the displeasure to meet. You on the other hand Stacey my dear lady are one of the most beautiful. You like so many of us in the world that have a negative image of ourselves based on a society that worships greed, sex and a warped sense of body. I have always said I was brought into this world way too late for what and who I am. I guess it would be nice to have lived in a time when Rubens(spell check) was painting a woman as she should be curvy and full and round and warm and happy with who she was and would always be no matter what the size and shape of her body. I like to tell people I may be fat but your ugly and I can diet. Truth is the truth, we are what we are ,the problem is we are looking at the part that does not matter and will wither and die as time passes. We need to start to look at what we are inside and how we affect the people around us. We need to live like we are, large and warm. We need to believe in who we are and not some damn label imposed on us by a group of people who in the end will not, do not and never have mattered or cared about us and who we are because they could not care less about anyone and how they feel, act, love and provide for the heart and soul of others. Stacey the sooner you get over the fact, that what size you are is not what or who you are, the better. Your size is not why people love you care for you and desire to be around you. People are attracted to you Stacey because of who you are not because of the way you look. A moth gathers to a flame or a light the bigger the flame the more moths it attracts. Stacey my dear you are one of the brightest lights I have ever had the pleasure of fluttering around and I look forward to many more moments being warmed by the light of your soul. I have often said to some of the women I know, ?It is not the size of the breast but of the heart that beats beneath them. Never confuse who you are with what you look like. To those who cannot see past a dimple, a fold, a flap, a crease, a scale or any body part or blemish I say with all of the best intentions ?GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU DO NOT MATTER?. That being said I only wish I could fuck myself, only problem is I would never leave the house.
Love ya Stacey,
BudaBoy
RE: rambling
Posted by: spaceystacey | [ + ]
Date: Apr 20, 2006 at 10:26 PM
thats twice you have left me speechless: the first and seccond times i read this. *mwah* many hugs and kisses for you, my sweet budaboy