today

this is a copy of an old post from my old blog (efx2 which then became efx2blogs). in the end, the final incarnation (efx2blogs) went down one too many times for me, so i switched to blogger. i was able to recover most of my older stuff (efx2) from archive.org. some smilies, graphics, and/or links may be missing, but you get the idea.

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today i realized that i've failed the one i love. i gave what i thought was my best but it wasn't what was truly needed. i thought the more i sacrificed and the more i denied myself those things that would cause her to lose sight of her goal, the better things would be in the end. i thought the more i supported, picked up the slack, cheered her on and helped her out made up for anything else that might be lacking. but the realization hit me today like a runaway pickup truck that what she truly needed, deep down in her heart, wasn't what i was giving. i thought she'd understand, thought she knew it wasn't in my nature, thought those things didn't need to be said. instead, the emptiness left by what i'm not giving has grown out of control. i did what i thought was the best i could do, tried as hard as i could, but she still couldn't see what i really felt and now the fact that i have not been able to give her what she needs is breaking my heart. its not like i didn't want to. its not like i didn't try (or at least i thought i did). so why are we not both smiling right now? why do i have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes?

this morning i was relishing the twinges of soreness in my muscles, loving the little reminders that i am on a path to looking and feeling better. (i've been doing pilates every morning to speed up the transformation i'm after). i was high on life this morning and now i'm in the pits of despair, blaming myself for her unhappiness. it is moments like this that make me seriously wonder if i could be bipolar. how else could i go from such a high to feeling as low as i do at this moment?