i should have taken a left at albequerque

this is a copy of an old post from my old blog (efx2blogs). some smilies, graphics, and/or links may be missing, but you get the idea.

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i’ve been thinking a lot lately. about who i am, who i was, who i thought i would be. inside i still feel like the same old me, but the outside doesn’t match anymore. it is partly because of the weight, but there are other things at work here too. part of me thinks that if i lose the weight i’ll be free to be the old me again, but i do know that the weight has nothing to do with it really.

a conversation with an old friend started it (this time), but those of you who have read my blog before know this is a recurring theme. i was a fag hag in high school and just recently reunited with both of my gay boys. :-) so i called one of them the other day and we chatted for a bit. he asked how i was, asked how wifey and the kids were and we proceeded to talk about them for awhile, and i mentioned to him how i never thought i’d find myself where i am now. he agreed and said “you are such a soccer mom!” he said he always thought we’d find each other again in new york in rehab for eating disorders. he said talking to me now is fascinating because it is an entirely different world than the one he lives in. he’s still him but i’m not me anymore. or eat least not the me i was.

then it occurred to me. its one thing for me to say i don’t feel like the same person anymore, but its another thing entirely for someone else to see it. funny thing is he hasn’t actually “seen” me. we found each other again on myspace and have been emailing, texting and sprinkling in the occasional phone call. so this is a conclusion he’s come to just based on our conversations. if he saw me now, he’d probably faint. back then you wouldn’t catch me dead in jeans, 99.9% of my wardrobe was name brand stuff, you’d never catch me with my hair up in a bun, with no make up or looking anything less than what i deemed to be fabulous. today i’m wearing jeans, a t-shirt and crocs (sorry splintered!). i do have make up and have my hair done, but i have definitely left the house without make up on many, many days and without question i’ve thrown my hair in a bun and run out the door rather than spend time primping.

i’m wondering… have i changed so much or have i just shifted my focus? i lean toward the shifting focus answer to that question, but that leads me to various others. if i’ve shifted focus, what have i shifted it to? am i neglecting myself and things i like and/or want? will that have ramifications? should i make an effort to stop it or just let it go given the fact that i’m happiest making other people happy?

i used to be travelling the road to ... well, i don't know where, but it went somewhere, i'm sure. however, i think i missed my turn. the thing is, i like the place i wound up (wifey, kids, dogs, etc). so is being different really so bad? i mean we all change, right?

Posted: 2:15 PM, 2/20/2008