just a small purge

i'd love to be able to say that peace has returned to my house, but it hasn't. sure, the wife and i had a heart to heart and things were good for a solid 48 hrs. since then, they have been good in spurts, but at the moment i'm so annoyed i've decided its best if i don't speak to her for a bit because i know i will start a fight. so we are in separate rooms, doing our own thing at the moment.

i'd also love to be able to say i'm feeling better, but the truth is i'm not. my 20 year class reunion was this past weekend and i wasn't well enough to go. it wasn't so much the reunion as being able to go back to my hometown that i wanted, but regardless, lupus wouldn't allow it. i knew this way in advance and didn't even bother buying a plane ticket. however, that sort of put the icing on the cake of this feeling that there is a whole life out there that i can't live anymore. a life full of socializing, laughter, sunshine, baseball games... it makes me sick to my stomach thinking of all the shit i've missed out on since this fucking disease took hold of my body.

the other thing that has been bothering me this week are some people who are not in my life as much as they used to be and every time i see posts on facebook from them, it pisses me off but i don't quite know why. i mean, i didn't expect their lives to stop because suddenly they don't see me every day. i certainly don't want them in my life now, so its not like i miss them. i guess i'm just angry that i was written off so easily. i never thought the faces they showed were really their true colors, but it still upsets me. this is leading to me not posting as much on facebook unless its something upbeat because i don't want them to know that i'm suffering. for some idiotic reason i want them to think i'm fine without them. i am most definitely not fine, but it has nothing to do with them not being in my life.

since i have no health insurance, i have to go to the community hospital which is rather far (not to mention tolls, parking and wait time). but, it is what i have to do if i intend to get health care, which i can't avoid. every time i think about it, i get angry about having lost my job all over again. at least i'm progressing from being angry about it all day every day. so this week i have one appointment for bloodwork, another next week and a followup visit shortly after that. it has been almost a month since my first visit to the clinic and i have yet to get my referral to the rheumatologist. i am not going on 5 months with no rheumy visit.